Alone surrounded by people
For someone who has had two long-term marriages, a long-term relationship and, until the last year, never really been alone, you’d think that I’ve never been lonely. However, it’s in some ways precisely because of that that I have been. When you grow up without boundaries (see last week's blog), you surround yourself with the wrong people. This can lead to feeling intensely lonely even when you are never alone. Having finally healed my inability to be alone, being single is surprisingly less lonely!
Leadership can be the same. You feel, sometimes rightly or wrongly, that you can’t confide in those around you. Maybe your team look to you to have all the answers, maybe you feel you have to always be positive for shareholders or investors, or maybe you’re aware you’re surrounded by unstable, chaotic people and it genuinely isn’t a good idea to confide in those people. There are more of them at the top than you may believe.
You try not to bring your work home, so you might not confide in your friends, family, or partner, and you may feel you won’t be understood if you do. Maybe you’d be right there. Some of my friends just don’t get the stresses and strains of running a business. My family definitely don’t.
The problem with having no one to turn to is that we are connective humans and need others around us. We need others' questions, thoughts and experiences to help us learn and do better. I know that when I’m stressed and can’t find someone to give me a hug, hear my woes or even just make me laugh to take my mind off it. I’m in a much worse state. I can problem solve at a high level, but occasionally, I just need someone to meet me where I’m at, validate my feelings and say, (excuse my language),’ well, that’s just shit.’ As I did to a friend who told me she had breast cancer. She laughed and said, ‘you’re the only one who’s not said, I’m sorry. That’s a given,’ I said. Sometimes, we need someone who can meet us where we are - then, we can take a deep breath and problem-solve.
Loneliness is an epidemic. Did you know that research shows that teenagers are more lonely than the elderly? In my experience supporting business leaders, I’d say they run a close second.
So, what to do…?
To be cliché about it, you must go find someone to take the weight off. Friends, peers, therapists, an advisor. Friends (professional or otherwise) are where it’s at. I’m exceptionally proactive about friend-making and a connector by nature. I’m the first to invite someone I’ve met for 10 minutes for a coffee. I know some of you introverts might recoil, but no one has ever said no. Sometimes, we just chat over coffee, and that’s it, but most of my close friends have come from me reaching out after a brief meeting. Often, they say, you’re so brave for asking; I’m so glad you did. I’m pretty good at spotting kindred spirits. Most people are not natural connectors. Chances are, if you’re a business leader, you’re brave enough to do so, and you’ll have to be the one.
I also believe you can have friends in different contexts. I have friends I talk to about business – my therapist, supervisor and business mentor, friends I talk to about my kids, the gym, you get the drift. Someone doesn’t have to cover all your bases. Mentors, coaches, therapists all help in certain areas. In the old day, all important people had advisers to keep them on tract. Recently I connected two clients (with their permission) because they were in a similar field and I felt they could support each other.
If you’re feeling lonely at the top, look around you because you’ll likely already have people in your network who can help, or know others who feel the same. They may be sitting next to you, or you may just meet them at an event or through others. The need for connection is human, whether you’re a leader, or not.