Lonely, or alone, at the top?

We hear it all the time ‘It’s lonely at the top.’ In fact it’s a topic in my new book about being happy alone, but what if it’s not actually about your leadership status, or the fact no one gets you, what if it’s about something within you that’s missing? A disconnection from yourself that followed you all the way to the top? 

There are great leaders who never feel alone. They have advisers like me, friends for their downtime, colleagues with different skills set and a family. When I work with executives I find that they have disconnected so much from their own needs that time after time the same patterns emerge. They are so afraid of showing people the true them that they build up this invisible castle around themselves which they believes shows them as immensely successful. Sometimes it truly works well… for those around them, but it leaves a lonely leader. 

There’s a big difference between being alone in your position, and happy with it, and lonely. They are two different experiences. 

I’ve worked with leaders who have extraordinary influence and they usually start innocently. In the beginning the world rewards achievement, so we work harder. Investors and stakeholders demand it and everyone likes certainty, so the leader suppresses doubt. Over time, that gap between who you are and who you pretend to be can become so great that you don’t know how to fit in when you aren’t in your leadership role. Maybe at home you feel not good enough because a 3 year old doesn’t value you being at work all the time! Your partner no longer cares about your success but how little they see you. I see relationships break down all the time from this desire to be perfect. 

If you never had space to connect with your emotional needs, you’ll find the solitude at the top unbearable. You’ll fill it with noise, meetings, investments, sports, distractions. But silence is where who you are really lives. If silence or stillness feels threatening, you have a problem. 

Loneliness is feeling separated from others. Being alone is completely fine, if you are okay with yourself. Being alone at the top is sometimes inevitable and it’s so important that you see people to support you both personally and professionally. These people will connect you with what is real in your world. I often drill down into the basic questions. Is this the life you want to live? Are you happy? What does happy look like? When is enough enough? We need people to keep us grounded. 

Being alone at the top means being okay being alone with yourself. If you can do this, then that means that alone, is not lonely. It does need you to recognise the emotional cost of pretending you're invulnerable. It means doing the therapeutic and profound work to learn to sit with the things that make you uncomfortable and work to clear them from your beliefs and behaviours. It means being honest about who you really want to be and what you really want to do. 

Truly being okay alone starts in those quiet moments, when you meet yourself honestly and face the work that needs to be done. When you do this lonely will change to comfortably alone.